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by Eileen 配仪

Value, Joy, Work, Life. Basically, blah-blah-blah

I happened to, while clicking links, read Investment Moats Kyith’s experiences on ancestral praying.

Now here is mine. I cooked this. While it’s not as fabulous as my husband’s nephew K’s vegetarian feast, my mouth did water as I was putting it down. It looked delicious and I decided to snap a picture. My sister in law would purchase praying sessions. I am more DIY, just chanting scriptures that I am familiar. I’m not that familiar. (Again, K is amazing – he knows enough to lead a home prayer session.) I’m just not so organised and in the know what and where to do these things.

Kyith’s musings and my bold and italics:

These sessions is even worse for me because… as a finance blogger for the longest while, it is unlikely you can take the part about measuring intrinsic value, extrinsic value versus what we had to pay. All of these sometimes mesh between

  1. We are going to throw most of these away and these are just paper we burn. Should we spend so much?
  2. But we got to do it in a traditional way. Do we need to buy XXX, buy YYY or are one of these optional (that is not part of the tradition)?
  3. Are we really going to throw these food that is actually eatable away like that?
  4. I wonder if I am doing the minimal and I should do more?

As a finance blogger, he can’t help thinking about value vs the effort. He can’t stay in the moment.

The real value is being in the moment. Saying hello aloud or silently to those who are not in the flesh next to us. Praying aloud or just staying silent. The real value isn’t the amount of visible offerings (all edible if you cook it yourself or buy from a vegetarian shop that you like). He went on further to muse what really is independence. After all, he is a FI/RE blogger. He wondered aloud if we work or desire for FI/RE due to external or internal motivations or fears.

I think the FI/RE movement reinforces fears and insecurities about money. The endless computations and musing trying to figure out whether it is enough, then the endless computations how to take the money out. Thinking of these fears is rather comforting. These fears are legitimate enough reasons to permit inaction. To strike a different path washes away the illusion of safety. But life is unsafe. From precarious pregnancies to growing up as a young adult and eventually as an old person. Life is always trying to kill us. Bankrupt us even for trying. The battle isn’t trying to make the risk as small as possible. (Gasp! But you are a risk manager, Eileen.) Really, it is not. It is just figuring out enough of the path, trying it out, yes, there is enough to go around.

Money wise, I can appreciate why some, like a close family member, choose to be ultra frugal to the point of obsession. It’s part of their joy. (We do love to suffer.) There could be others who take pride in the amount of money that they have accumulated over time. The nice title that they retired with. It is part of their joy and identity.

Which brings me to this news article from CNA of a SAHM, Ratna Damayanti Taha who won the Epigram 2026 Epigram Books Fiction Prize. Those very much into the numbers would be interested to know the prize is $25,000. She worked for 5 months from Feb to June 2025 to earn this money. Some of those who hunker down with a huge portfolio probably have dividends multiple times of this money in a year. Some adults with nice titles earn that much in a month. That is not the point of this prize, I assure you. The point is that she achieved her dream to be published and distributed all over SEA. She has a master’s degree but chose to be a SAHM. Her ambition and interest did not go away. She probably submitted way more often. She revised and re-worked and wrote really fast to be able to submit and win the Golden Point and Epigram Books Prize. That is serious determination and discipline. How did she write that fast? The organisation also took a huge risk – not just on an unknown. How will these books sell with declining readership and everyone’s eyes on a video screen?

I have always been embarrassed and uncomfortable about my writing. I am bad at plotting. I am also bad at just forming beauty. I compare myself with all the literature greats. I am also bad at telling people I write. I have no such hang ups about painting. I started out from stick figures and a D in art at school. Whatever I am doing is a lot of hard work – I have no innate artistic talent. I picked it up mainly because it is something I totally don’t know how to do it. Art is totally unrelaxing for me. It is extreme stress to battle water being too wet or too dry, the colour being too much or not enough. It forces me to be in the moment. Funny that I am unable to stop carrying this ego and unnecessary chatter while writing. I can’t even write a blog post fast. I’m writing and backspacing this thing. It’s a wonder that I can post this.

by Eileen 配仪

Piano repair found and lack of productivity this weekend.

So yay there is someone in the big wide world of Singapore who could fix the piano and he promised it would be good as new. I am rather looking forward to the good as new. I never actually experienced it good as new. I had sticky keys from day one and there was no one who could repair. Not even Kawai. The best was a few months ago when someone named AutumnWoods on carousell managed to fix some but not all of the problems. That was a significant improvement.

–

I was rather unproductive this weekend. I was writing at home with cafe noises and classic FM on the radio. I was distracted by the need to make lunch, wash things in the sink and other chores. I managed about 450 words before kids returned home and I stopped.  I started only after they left in the morning for classes. I felt more productive in a room full of strangers and I completed 500 words a lot quicker.  What I didn’t really like was thinking that I was downing sugar (Hot Chocolate) or caffeine (can’t sleep with caffeine) at close to $8 a cup at a rather warm cafe. Perhaps it was the coffee or chocolate that drove the word count, not the room full of strangers

by Eileen 配仪

Funny thing, life.

Daily writing prompt
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
View all responses

It occurred to me that what I said I want to be, was merely a thing I did at 5. Being a pianist was one of them. I was indifferent to playing. My piano teacher heard this indifference. She also heard that I had no feelings to express and complained about it. The funny is, she heard me. This inner core that was the same from 11 to 50.

She put me to playing Bach after discovering that I could express Bach better than any other composers. It was a relief really, having to just execute the notes like an efficient typist. Mainly because there were less complaints, not that she stopped complaining.

I did eventually dislike practicing. I was beaten and shouted at over the piano a lot. So it’s a funny thing that 12 years ago or so, I went to buy a piano. I had no intention of wanting my kids to learn then. It was just a toy. I sing kids songs on it when they were small. The only closest use to actual music use was last year, for my daughter’s choir audition.

It stopped working a month ago. It wouldn’t turn on. I was ok until two repairers told me that there might not be parts.

My brain went into overdrive. There is absolutely no reason to replace it. I don’t play it more than 1 day a year. My daughter makes some songs with it but that’s about it. Yet, I want to replace it. The brain could not compute.

The funny thing about life is that at 5, this tiny person with a barely formed brain makes a decision – I want to be a pianist. And then at 50, despite having a logical thinking brain, this adult continues to (maybe) want to be a pianist.

It’s just like painting. An insurmountable mountain that I want to climb. Why? Maybe I just like suffering – who knows. I don’t care that it is a furniture for 364 days. Ok, likely way more. It’s just weird when it’s not there.

by Eileen 配仪

PSLE

He looked so disappointed on the class live stream I thought it is closer to 30 points. My eyes started to feel wet. I was at work. For the first time, I was feeling sad because my son felt sad.

It’s not great, but was within the range I expected – between 17 to 20 – and he did put in the work to save himself a few points. (Even his best friend in school thought he was making a proper effort.) We discussed school selections, he decided on the inputs.

I think the biggest thing he forgot along the way was how much effort he put in. I wish he is more aware of his achievements. I was signing up for his sports and cca orientation when I discovered he was rather good at his CCA just didn’t make a big deal out of it. He felt he was just being friendly and helping out his friends.

by Eileen 配仪

Day 16 to 19

Exams started.

Not caring by now the results. Just that it is over.

After school lots of revision and practicing.

Daughter had a performance. It was great having a break waiting for her to finish.

I finished the peony bud over 2 or 3 days. Reworking in the pond with the stones. Art is hard.

by Eileen 配仪

Days 8 to 15

A whirlwind of I don’t know what happened. I was not painting. I was mainly supporting revision. Homework has dropped off. I worked a full day and a half to finish some slides and sent some chaser emails. Out of habit I almost started to clear emails but caught myself and ignored the new work.

I do feel a sense of anxiety when there is work and a relief when it is over. The relief is easily mistaken for a sense of accomplishment and the anxiety is mainly a fear of being unaccomplished.

I wonder if retirement brings feelings of failure because there is a distinct decline of this emotional yo-yo.

by Eileen 配仪

Days 8 to 10

I have been doing office work when the kids are at school or in bed. Felt some level of stress and anxiety and a little relief when I finished the 1 out of 2 jobs.

Monday, day 8 I went out for a long walk with my husband, getting home only after 1130.  Wednesday, I did something similar by myself getting home after 1pm.  On Monday, in addition to working on a deck, I went out for to have cake and then home to work. Tues and Wed was homework supervision and office work. Including office work took away religious practice.

I don’t really like this revised schedule. I felt that I fed my anxiety around work instead of resolving it. I felt that I experienced a false relief – typing this I feel anxious about work again. This anxiety is BGM to most people who work – some dress it up as ambition and drive to express that anxiety in a positive light. When we are mindful and focused towards our goals, there is no anxiety, no fear and nervousness not even about output. We are like Ip Man stopping 20 villains in their tracks.

Thinking about this, risk management requires a lot of experts who know how to be Ip Man in their jobs. But dressing up people who don’t know but dare to take on new tasks as heros increase the instability in the organisation. Risk management is not the be all end all – it’s a trade off that business owners need to know what they are trading off.

  

by Eileen 配仪

Day 7 of 3 week leave

Revision has been well – good study attitude but late at the game. He is unable to do more than 4 hours of work a day with lots of breaks in between. 4 hours is maxing out his ability. It reminds me of me. I can’t do more than 4 hours of highly focused work. My painting sessions are max 2 to 3 hours at a stretch and a break before another drawing session. He also does work best in the am.

Sunday he has classes so it is awake, breakfast and out to class. I brought my daughter out went home around 1130 to make lunch. Napped until 230. Son started to work on maths. I prepped for dinner then started on office work.

After dinner we did English revision. I continue my work post English revision until 1am.