How would you advise a girl like Tess?

In Our Time talked about Tess of D’Urbervilles. I read the book when I was in my Hardy phase a long time ago. At the end of the show, there was a bit of discussion about the rape of Tess. I got really curious and pulled out the book from the shelve and started my re-reading.

Alec’s behaviour is very creepy and very much manipulative and grooming. I can completely appreciate why she would have felt repulsed, confused and even resigned but maybe attracted to Alec. Here was a well off person whom she did not love who was pursuing her relentlessly. The attention is strange but exciting. Unlike Fantine who knew a time when men were kind and their words inviting. Tess did not know kindness and invitation. She knew there was something strange about this Alec but she didn’t listen to her gut feel that this guy is bad. Young girls make mistakes in trusting the wrong people. She was young and she was raped in her sleep. That’s terrible. She had to suffer the death of her rape baby. She suffered society’s prejudice that the woman is the seductress.  Did she realise Alec’s manipulation and groom? Yes, at the end. She doubted his conversion. He proved her right. She was at the last of her rope, so to speak, when she was propositioned again. When under extreme stress, it is understandable she exercised bad judgement again. Under stress, we all try to achieve short term goals then long term goals. However, I do personally think that she should have not engaged Alec both times. If she had kept quiet, he couldn’t goad her into being his mistress. Alec is a total asshole – he just does whatever fancies that enters his head. Angel is also an asshole who cares about what is in his head than the real world. He can’t even see that Tess loves him deeply. He doesn’t know and care what happens when he abandons Tess. He may think he has discharged his responsibilities by making sure she is materially taken care off. He doesn’t know Tess won’t approach his parents. He doesn’t know Tess will follow his orders to the exact. Even Alec knows it!

How would I advise Tess? Don’t engage the men until you observed they are good in behaviour. I would also advise her to trust her gut and think about her desire to be a selfless martyr. I would advise her engage in her thinking side than her feeling side. Initially I thought she was too passive. However,  I saw Les Miserables recently and Fantine was both assertive and attractive and she ended up being a prostitute, being sick and dead.

I felt Hardy’s presence very strong in the story. Hardy wants Tess needs to pay for it (to illustrate his points and themes). He  refers to God, Fate, angels who are suppose to protect Tess and innocent – I don’t know. Is it a Christian thing to expect the innocent to be protected? It’s the bad side of human to want to exploit the innocent. To refrain from exploiting is to practice good morals. Does protection come from God, Fate and angels? Well, in my opinion, God can only protect if everyone does as they are told. There are some people who just didn’t follow or misunderstand the religious text. There is not much God, Fate and angels can do to protect lambs living amongst wolves.

Perhaps Hardy hasn’t been around kids. A 16 year old who has been basically in charge of the family since she was young becomes a lot sharper due to her burdens and responsibilities. She was the parent. She may not know how to parent but she won’t be naive in the extreme. I felt that she exercised poor judgement in continually engaging Alec. I thought that even if Marian was miraculously transported to the start and reminded her that Alec is evil in the shape of a friend, Tess may not pay heed. She wanted to be compassionate and selfless. She wanted to feel the extra guilt that nobody heaped on her. She wanted to be the martyr. (Or maybe Hardy wanted her to be the martyr. She had no choice but be scarificed.) While I believe and understand that in those times, she would have no means of escape because the society gives lower class woman very little rights and considers them the seductress. I felt extremely distressed by the circumstances she was placed in. At the last, I felt Angel wronged her as much as Alec did – she was innocent but she wordlessly accepted their guilt and blame.

She realised the mistake and went on with her life. Alec is really bad. He manipulates an innocent girl to achieve his desires.





Parenting books I’ve read

A child at 4 months, I imagine, is a creature who exist to poop and feed. I was disabused of this notion when the little boy A. fussed when I tried to train him to take away his toy. I was getting the hang of having a person for whom things have to be done. I’m fairly good at figuring out what A is yelling about. I am not ready to manage his ego. It was disturbing that this came so early.

Troubled, I turned to Berkeley Parents Network for some parenting books recommendation.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk – Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish Unconditional Parenting – Alfie Kohn
What’s Going on in There? – Lise Eliot
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves – Naomi Aldort.
The Idle Parent – Tom Hodgkinson

Of these books I read, the worst was Alfie Kohn. He is so bad I stopped reading the first chapter of ‘Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves’ because it sounds like the same advice. Alfie Kohn is so bad he is unbelievable. It is too bad this is an e-book I bought. I don’t have the satisfaction of slamming the book and aiming it at the bin down my living room.  This guy is basically writing a long essay about his own ideas of parenting.  He says that kids being disciplined or being praised will be taught that parents love is conditional on them pleasing their parents. To raise kids who are self motivated, and who believe in their own worth, he thinks parents should show unconditional love regardless of the child’s behaviour and achievement. So basically, if the kid is annoying just because he wants to, you suck it up, smile and go on with your own things because you are showing unconditional love. This is wrong. Society rewards cooperative behaviour. I am not about to bring up a child who thinks the world will not punish him for undesirable behaviour. Intense competition, intense desire for the child to obey affects any one – we don’t enjoy such environments at work. I can’t imagine why someone will treat their child in the same way at home. That I agree. What he advocate seem to be creating a false reality at home.  Resources are limited: we reward good/cooperative behaviour and punish bad behaviour. No one will take time to reason anyone out of bad behaviour. To avoid guiding a young child, allowing the child growing without learning the skills to deal with the world he/she inhibits is my idea of bad parenting. By learning to obey, we learn how to live with another in a cooperative manner.  Lots of people think that obedience is easy. It is actually very hard. Obeying requires high exposure to authority and frequent reminders to control one’s behaviour. Being individualistic is easy. All that is needed is to limit one’s exposure with society and popular media. Attention is diverted to one’s own hobbies and interests. After a time, one’s outlook naturally diverges from everyone else. Humans go primal without much urging. I’m up to the chapter where he says competition is bad because to feel good, someone else has to lose. What he doesn’t get is that losing is as important as winning in a competition. It trains a person to self sooth, which is an important ability. The world is always unfair. Not giving the child opportunity to learn to overcome obstacles and continue to extert effort towards one’s goals is bad parenting. The adult world is much less kind. While we want to be sensitive to our child’s feelings, we need to guide him so that he has the skills to be a productive, cooperative member of society. I found ‘How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk’ very useful and practical. I felt that the techniques were useful while communicating with adults. I enjoy ‘What’s Going on in There?’ because, well, I enjoy brain studies.  I enjoy the Idle Parent for its humour and writing style. While I agree with its principle, I didn’t find it as practical, especially when it advocates lots of running wildly in the park, or throwing a ball in the lawn. That is difficult, considering, Singapore is warm (no one will want to run around except for old people trying to be healthy) and I do not have a lawn.


There is a book I have been meaning to read in preparation for labour Hyponobirthing : The Breakthrough Approach to Safer, Easier, Comfortable Birthing by Marie Mongan. I never come around to it because it sounds rather boring. Instead I go to the forums to find out the basic techniques.

The idea is quite simple and it is a little like how I deal with leg cramps. I always get leg cramps in my sleep when it is slightly cooler. In the past I would wake in a panic and try to massage it away. The key I discover, is to completely relax. The quicker it is I relax, the quicker the cramps go away. In hypnobirthing techniques you condition yourself to relax. I am not so sure that it results in a pain free labour but I think the sense of calm and control helps to not to increase the experience of pain rather than actually raising pain threshold.

Another thing I learn from the forum is affirmations for birth. It is repeat to yourself what you want to come true.

For instance:

      My baby and my body know what to do.
      I am calm and joyful about my birthing experience.
      I am relaxed, happy and at ease at the birthing of my baby.
      My baby works with my body for a smooth easy birth.
      I am confident and secure to handle whatever comes up.
      I breath correctly to eliminate tension.
      My baby is healthy and fully developed at birth.

I do feel less apprehension about the labour experience after writing these down. The situationist talks about values affirmation which made me think that the reason why affirmations work is because the focus on belief takes away stress and reinforces willpower.

I suppose this is why religion works: the belief and focus on values helps to manage a stressful life. Interesting.

A Song Of Fire And Ice

I started reading this because I could not seem to follow the series on HBO. There were too many faces and names to remember so I took the Game Of Thrones out from the library. Then the next and soon I finished the series up to Dance Of Dragons.

What I really enjoy of this series is how random everything is – one day a king, dead the next day. One day pardoned, next thing you know the chap’s head is on a spike. The writer doesn’t seem to want us to be too attached to the characters because while I feel sorry that they are dead I don’t quite miss them. There is one exception: the dwarf Tyrion Lannister. The writer seems quite attached to Tyrion and he makes me want Tyrion to succeed and when the point of view shifts to some other character I wonder what Tyrion is doing.

I am rather disappointed the next book in the series will take a while. Having read on Wiki that Tolkien inspired Martins, I took out the Hobbit. It reads like a children’s book. I am finding it hard to finish.

Life of Pi

I think the book overreached itself. It began with a mock interview of this person who assures that the story will make the reader and the writer believe in God. I finished In the Beginning by Isaac Asimov which was good. Just a few chapters into Mary Roach’s Six Feet Over and slammed it shut. I didn’t mind a Christian religion book for a bit of flavour.

It was interesting how Pi spent 200 over days floating in the sea. I like that he took actions to ensure his own survival. The book occasionally becomes a laundry list but it wasn’t boring. It was like watching Bear Grylls on discovery except Pi didn’t like adventures.
His knowledge of the animals on the boat with him was surprising since he didn’t spend that much time helping out in the zoo. It was unbelievable though: being in danger could have brought out some knowledge he has forgotten. It was all very well until it ended with a revelation: he didn’t spend the days with the animals. He spent it with humans who have become animals. The real story was more arresting, more believable. There was a lot more action, suspense and drama.

The Year of the Flood (Margaret Atwood)

Among the Gardeners, weddings were simple affairs. Both parties had to proclaim in front of witnesses that they loved each other. They exchanged green leaves to symbolize growth and fertility and jumped over a bonfire to symbolize the energy of the universe, then declared themselves married and went to bed. For divorces they did the whole thing in reverse: a public statement of non-love and separation, the exchange of dead twigs, and a swift hop over a heap of cold ashes.

A standing complaint of Lucerne’s — which was sure to come up if Toby wasn’t quick enough with the Poppy — was that Zeb had never invited her to do the green-leaf and bonfire-leaping ceremony with him. “Not that I think it means anything,” she’d say. “But he must think it does, because he’s one of them, right? So by not doing it, he’s refusing commitment. Don’t you agree?”