Category / Self

by Eileen 配仪

Value, Joy, Work, Life. Basically, blah-blah-blah

I happened to, while clicking links, read Investment Moats Kyith’s experiences on ancestral praying.

Now here is mine. I cooked this. While it’s not as fabulous as my husband’s nephew K’s vegetarian feast, my mouth did water as I was putting it down. It looked delicious and I decided to snap a picture. My sister in law would purchase praying sessions. I am more DIY, just chanting scriptures that I am familiar. I’m not that familiar. (Again, K is amazing – he knows enough to lead a home prayer session.) I’m just not so organised and in the know what and where to do these things.

Kyith’s musings and my bold and italics:

These sessions is even worse for me because… as a finance blogger for the longest while, it is unlikely you can take the part about measuring intrinsic value, extrinsic value versus what we had to pay. All of these sometimes mesh between

  1. We are going to throw most of these away and these are just paper we burn. Should we spend so much?
  2. But we got to do it in a traditional way. Do we need to buy XXX, buy YYY or are one of these optional (that is not part of the tradition)?
  3. Are we really going to throw these food that is actually eatable away like that?
  4. I wonder if I am doing the minimal and I should do more?

As a finance blogger, he can’t help thinking about value vs the effort. He can’t stay in the moment.

The real value is being in the moment. Saying hello aloud or silently to those who are not in the flesh next to us. Praying aloud or just staying silent. The real value isn’t the amount of visible offerings (all edible if you cook it yourself or buy from a vegetarian shop that you like). He went on further to muse what really is independence. After all, he is a FI/RE blogger. He wondered aloud if we work or desire for FI/RE due to external or internal motivations or fears.

I think the FI/RE movement reinforces fears and insecurities about money. The endless computations and musing trying to figure out whether it is enough, then the endless computations how to take the money out. Thinking of these fears is rather comforting. These fears are legitimate enough reasons to permit inaction. To strike a different path washes away the illusion of safety. But life is unsafe. From precarious pregnancies to growing up as a young adult and eventually as an old person. Life is always trying to kill us. Bankrupt us even for trying. The battle isn’t trying to make the risk as small as possible. (Gasp! But you are a risk manager, Eileen.) Really, it is not. It is just figuring out enough of the path, trying it out, yes, there is enough to go around.

Money wise, I can appreciate why some, like a close family member, choose to be ultra frugal to the point of obsession. It’s part of their joy. (We do love to suffer.) There could be others who take pride in the amount of money that they have accumulated over time. The nice title that they retired with. It is part of their joy and identity.

Which brings me to this news article from CNA of a SAHM, Ratna Damayanti Taha who won the Epigram 2026 Epigram Books Fiction Prize. Those very much into the numbers would be interested to know the prize is $25,000. She worked for 5 months from Feb to June 2025 to earn this money. Some of those who hunker down with a huge portfolio probably have dividends multiple times of this money in a year. Some adults with nice titles earn that much in a month. That is not the point of this prize, I assure you. The point is that she achieved her dream to be published and distributed all over SEA. She has a master’s degree but chose to be a SAHM. Her ambition and interest did not go away. She probably submitted way more often. She revised and re-worked and wrote really fast to be able to submit and win the Golden Point and Epigram Books Prize. That is serious determination and discipline. How did she write that fast? The organisation also took a huge risk – not just on an unknown. How will these books sell with declining readership and everyone’s eyes on a video screen?

I have always been embarrassed and uncomfortable about my writing. I am bad at plotting. I am also bad at just forming beauty. I compare myself with all the literature greats. I am also bad at telling people I write. I have no such hang ups about painting. I started out from stick figures and a D in art at school. Whatever I am doing is a lot of hard work – I have no innate artistic talent. I picked it up mainly because it is something I totally don’t know how to do it. Art is totally unrelaxing for me. It is extreme stress to battle water being too wet or too dry, the colour being too much or not enough. It forces me to be in the moment. Funny that I am unable to stop carrying this ego and unnecessary chatter while writing. I can’t even write a blog post fast. I’m writing and backspacing this thing. It’s a wonder that I can post this.

by Eileen 配仪

Funny thing, life.

Daily writing prompt
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
View all responses

It occurred to me that what I said I want to be, was merely a thing I did at 5. Being a pianist was one of them. I was indifferent to playing. My piano teacher heard this indifference. She also heard that I had no feelings to express and complained about it. The funny is, she heard me. This inner core that was the same from 11 to 50.

She put me to playing Bach after discovering that I could express Bach better than any other composers. It was a relief really, having to just execute the notes like an efficient typist. Mainly because there were less complaints, not that she stopped complaining.

I did eventually dislike practicing. I was beaten and shouted at over the piano a lot. So it’s a funny thing that 12 years ago or so, I went to buy a piano. I had no intention of wanting my kids to learn then. It was just a toy. I sing kids songs on it when they were small. The only closest use to actual music use was last year, for my daughter’s choir audition.

It stopped working a month ago. It wouldn’t turn on. I was ok until two repairers told me that there might not be parts.

My brain went into overdrive. There is absolutely no reason to replace it. I don’t play it more than 1 day a year. My daughter makes some songs with it but that’s about it. Yet, I want to replace it. The brain could not compute.

The funny thing about life is that at 5, this tiny person with a barely formed brain makes a decision – I want to be a pianist. And then at 50, despite having a logical thinking brain, this adult continues to (maybe) want to be a pianist.

It’s just like painting. An insurmountable mountain that I want to climb. Why? Maybe I just like suffering – who knows. I don’t care that it is a furniture for 364 days. Ok, likely way more. It’s just weird when it’s not there.

by Eileen 配仪

Fiscal Year End Review

What could you do differently?

In recent years, I’ve been summing up my full year spend. Predictabiy, I decide that figure is not to my liking and  that I have overspent. Invariably, I will put up effort to start the next year afresh, avowing to spend only x amount on toiletries  and food. I will also avow to take lesser taxi rides.

By the next year end, summing all my purchases of things and experiences, I will be aghast that spending lesser did not happen – my spend did not actually decrease.

By mid year, I have forgotten this vague promise to spend less. I replaced my devices. Signed up for art classes. More art materials. Etc. At the end of the year, after PSLE, I went feasting from one place to another without thinking much about it other than, oh, exam’s over, let’s tie our hair up and gorge. It wasn’t just restaurants. It was also random hawker center eating out just because. I don’t even remember some of these meals. 

If I were a better person, I would not bother with those vague promises. I would try to be more intentional with my spend. I doubt. I already detailed in Sheet5           that  my skincare budget consists of making flower water for toner.

by Eileen 配仪

On school and its difficulties

What was your favorite subject in school?

I was reading the responses from everyone who answered this prompt and I wondered why isn’t the answer “whatever I am good at”.

Isn’t it naturally for people like what they easily get high marks for?

Studying has always been a struggle for me. The odd thing is when I became older and nobody was forcing me to study, when I want to do something difficult out of boredom, I picked studying. Studying finance! Incredible, really. I can’t even figure out my own account and balance it. Needless to say it was a pain and I am mostly of the passed after fervent prayer sort. And this is after barely passing my undergrad majoring in accounting and economic history.

It is common for some people to have repeating nightmares. I consistently put myself in those nightmarish situations. I want to go back to school after I am done with work. Just to study again! Economic history and maybe econometrics!

But why? Why do I do things that are hard and I don’t even like them very much ?

by Eileen 配仪

ADHD, Art, Me

I asked for a referral for my son to be assessed and was turned down. I took out ADHD 2.0 (Edward M Hallowel and John Ratey) not knowing what else to do. I put it on the headset and continued on my excel. 

I began to cry right in the middle of chapter 1. (OMG what if someone telephoned me? Luckily that I was WFH from a sprain!) I felt understood. Like someone knows what is like to be me. Someone explained why I feel that my life seems more difficult, why I feel different from everyone else and why every pursuit of mine turned out to be hideously difficult, why I failed to continue writing novels, why I want to study after I retire, why I want to do art. It even explained why I always try and fail to see what others see me as. It’s like going to a tarot card reader or a psychic to ask about your difficult son and suddenly the psychic tells you everything you have experienced in your life so far.   

Yet I can’t link ADHD to me. I did suspect I have ADHD when I was younger.  I can’t see myself as  a stereotypical ADHD person yet it all makes sense (all those years of paying penalties and late fees, multiple planners and terrifying my husband with the fire left on and mostly picking up difficult things out of boredom). I think it is mainly because I haven’t had serious complaints that it interferes with others expectations of me at work or at school. I don’t feel I annoy anyone with this problem at school or at work. It doesn’t affect me as a normal contributing member of society. It annoys my friends a lot and my husband really a lot. I feel my other nicer parts of my personality make up for this particularly annoying part so it evens out.

So what does it mean to me now that I know I might have ADHD. At this age, I don’t feel it means something. If I was told sometime during the first 35 years of my life it would mean a lot. Most of all it will explain why I feel different during those years where I feel it is important to be the same.

by Eileen 配仪

Making the effort to connect

Over the New Year, a friend moved back home to UK. I feel a great miss – she enjoys going to restaurants and she would make us all meet up once monthly. Now that she is gone, I feel that I have to step up so that I still have friends. To organise a day to go out requires a lot of to and fro discussion and a possibility of rejection. Perhaps I am just worried about rejection – I don’t know the depths of my despair.

by Eileen 配仪

About drawing

I started to draw only recently (2022). I tried watercolour and acrylic. It was difficult because I found that I couldn’t draw. I didn’t know how to look at something and execute it.

I hit the books to learn that skill. I borrowed a number of them from the library but I did not progress much. I found Artist Network series called Drawing Together on YouTube. The teacher is Scott Maier who has a great book out called See Think ,Draw. As he drew, he explained his decision making process and that made a lot of difference to a beginner. Each drawing taught a new skill and reinforced something else he was doing in another drawing.

The other problem was that I could not draw at home. It is a me problem. I kept interrupting myself to do household chores. My home isn’t that neat and tidy and that is why I felt a compulsion to clean and tidy up. To avoid this, I go out to the library to draw – after cleaning the home.

Younger, I had dreams of being a novelist but writing stopped being fun. I kept wanting my writing to be right on the first time. (This is impossible.) Plus, my inner critic kept saying whatever I had written is really bad. Drawing is way more fun mainly because I never wanted to be an artist. I have no plans to sell art or be well known for art. It is a new playground for me to explore. To have selfish fun.

When life hit me (husband had a heart attack), I needed that fun. My me problem melted away after I had a fall and was hospitalised. I couldn’t do any household chore. I couldn’t stand or walk. Sitting up was a challenge. So I had nothing except endless YouTube and drawing.

Currently, I can feel how amateur my drawings are – there is a stiffness in it. I need more drawing practice for it to go away.

by Eileen 配仪

Reddit probably encourages obsessions

I am on some financial subs and I think the fantasy of Financial Independence has completely consumed me. I am engaging in it on a daily basis. Saving and earning money is hard work and being obsessed with it makes it harder. There is nothing complex about FIRE that requires daily engagement. All FIRE requires is a good handle on one’s expenses and having discipline to saving money. I am so obsessed I compute scenarios with every calculator. In the process, getting sometimes confused, sometimes hopeful by all those different numbers that the calculators spit out. I didn’t know or realise how obsessed I was until I came across a beauty related subreddit.

I was shocked to read about how obsessed they are with beauty rituals and how the poster looks. Long conversations on wrinkles and intense discussions on layering serums. The type of questions asked is bordering on unhealthy obsession. The detailed and extremely micro stuff that nobody can really tell (eg, which eyebrow hair is out of place?) shocks me. While I do take a lot of care of my skin – sunscreen, lotions, etc I think I look average / plain / below average to others. That is, not memorable. I assume if I am unmemorable to myself, nobody else is really paying that close attention to me. The ladies & gents on’ here sub reddits seem to think everyone is holding a magnifying glass to their face every second.

I don’t need to obsess over the numbers. I know that I do it out of fear and insecurity. The unknown is terrifying and I am always padding the numbers “just in case”. Some people enjoy thinking about money. I am not one of them. I ◦ it largely out of anxiety & stress. Stress over work & wanting the stress to end.

A month ago I had a fall that got worse, requiring spitalisation & eventually surgery. I took a month off work. During my downtime, I gain a lot of clarity over my life choices.

Every decision stem from a conscious preference to play life on medium mode. I created busyness & difficulty in my life out of boredom. When life was on hard mode, I still felt boredom. I up my stress level. This sounds totally crazy. It is illogical. Yet I do it! And what happens next? Increase spend & eating on default. Leading to more money anxiety, more obsession about financial independence!

Crazy! I know!