He looked so disappointed on the class live stream I thought it is closer to 30 points. My eyes started to feel wet. I was at work. For the first time, I was feeling sad because my son felt sad.

It’s not great, but was within the range I expected – between 17 to 20 – and he did put in the work to save himself a few points. (Even his best friend in school thought he was making a proper effort.) We discussed school selections, he decided on the inputs.

I think the biggest thing he forgot along the way was how much effort he put in. I wish he is more aware of his achievements. I was signing up for his sports and cca orientation when I discovered he was rather good at his CCA just didn’t make a big deal out of it. He felt he was just being friendly and helping out his friends.

Exams started.

Not caring by now the results. Just that it is over.

After school lots of revision and practicing.

Daughter had a performance. It was great having a break waiting for her to finish.

I finished the peony bud over 2 or 3 days. Reworking in the pond with the stones. Art is hard.

A whirlwind of I don’t know what happened. I was not painting. I was mainly supporting revision. Homework has dropped off. I worked a full day and a half to finish some slides and sent some chaser emails. Out of habit I almost started to clear emails but caught myself and ignored the new work.

I do feel a sense of anxiety when there is work and a relief when it is over. The relief is easily mistaken for a sense of accomplishment and the anxiety is mainly a fear of being unaccomplished.

I wonder if retirement brings feelings of failure because there is a distinct decline of this emotional yo-yo.

I have been doing office work when the kids are at school or in bed. Felt some level of stress and anxiety and a little relief when I finished the 1 out of 2 jobs.

Monday, day 8 I went out for a long walk with my husband, getting home only after 1130.  Wednesday, I did something similar by myself getting home after 1pm.  On Monday, in addition to working on a deck, I went out for to have cake and then home to work. Tues and Wed was homework supervision and office work. Including office work took away religious practice.

I don’t really like this revised schedule. I felt that I fed my anxiety around work instead of resolving it. I felt that I experienced a false relief – typing this I feel anxious about work again. This anxiety is BGM to most people who work – some dress it up as ambition and drive to express that anxiety in a positive light. When we are mindful and focused towards our goals, there is no anxiety, no fear and nervousness not even about output. We are like Ip Man stopping 20 villains in their tracks.

Thinking about this, risk management requires a lot of experts who know how to be Ip Man in their jobs. But dressing up people who don’t know but dare to take on new tasks as heros increase the instability in the organisation. Risk management is not the be all end all – it’s a trade off that business owners need to know what they are trading off.

  

Revision has been well – good study attitude but late at the game. He is unable to do more than 4 hours of work a day with lots of breaks in between. 4 hours is maxing out his ability. It reminds me of me. I can’t do more than 4 hours of highly focused work. My painting sessions are max 2 to 3 hours at a stretch and a break before another drawing session. He also does work best in the am.

Sunday he has classes so it is awake, breakfast and out to class. I brought my daughter out went home around 1130 to make lunch. Napped until 230. Son started to work on maths. I prepped for dinner then started on office work.

After dinner we did English revision. I continue my work post English revision until 1am.

0530 to 0700 Painting

0700 to 0730 had a lie down from back pain. Awoke later to fry up some breakfast.

0930 to 1030 chores, shower out of the house

1045 Food republic. Maths revision until 1300 and then returned home.

1345 to 1530 rest and travel to enrichment class

1530 to 1830 maths revision

1830 to 2000 dinner, travel home. Rest. We had a long family meeting in which many things were discussed including his unhappiness with his sister and father. That is a session for the professionals. I cannot add up those things he said.

2230 to 0000 painting.

I felt my stress level was lower after the exercise and rest yesterday. There was still pain in my back but way lesser. I was also anxious about not doing art the rest melted that anxiety away. I have some work anxiety mainly from an impending deadline for which colleagues have yet to send the outstanding.

0530 to 0815 painting practice. It was harder that I thought it would be. A lot doubt and reminding myself to trust the process.

0815 to 0915 went for a walk / run with husband. I went to the market after that and got some muffins for daughter’s friend who is coming after class.

0915 to 1045 did dinner stuff and chores. Home is a terrible mess. Rushed through shower and left at 1115 to pick up eldest and daughter’s friend from school.

1215 to 1330 lunch

1330 to 1530 Painting.

1530 to 1715 tried to nap

1730 to 1830 food exchange with sis in law.

1930 post dinner eldest went to work on his science. I did chores and bed at 10pm .