After providing my contractually required notice, I sat on it. I did my work as usual and kept silent about my resignation. I felt embarrassed and awkward. As if I’m caught coming out of the shower to get a forgotten bath towel. 

I know enough that to just disappear without saying a word appears rude. It felt strange bringing up something specifically non work with my work colleagues. 

I worried needlessly. Eventually appointments were made to take over some of my tasks and with that structure my brain found the words and courage to  inform my colleagues. I faded out.

~

The major change for me was that I didn’t need to get up at 4+ to make dinner for the day. Getting up at 4+ means setting an alarm at 3+ so I can hit the snooze button for an hour. Being able to be up at the same time everyone else did was a huge luxury. Not being exhausted is a huge luxury. I am now physically tired due to chores, or exercise but not exhausted to the point of it creating memory problems.

I should have tracts of time for self care and such. While my day was pleasant, it was not like the influencers and their dream like day, floating from one comfort to another. On some days, right after lunch I needed to work on dinner. Exercise wasn’t relaxing – it was clocking my steps, going through stretching which sometimes ate up all my hours and my energy. Chores was washing after washing. And painting was another brain bashing exercise. It was never relaxing for me. How could I be more relaxed?      

Instagram influencers cleaning their homes look like live-action magazine spreads. When I did it, I moved furnitures about, threw out things, deep cleaned cabinets by cabinets. Even then, my home did not look like a magazine spread. It just look less like, I’m a slovenly mom. Casting an eye about you will still see mess but maybe with the volume turned down. Some influencers with kids, showed themself doing self care, watching TV, cooking that little lunches for their child and then maybe a dinner out with husband. No conflict at all about homework and games. Perfectly relaxing day. 

~

My father came over for lunch and we were discussing someone else’s hoarding creating difficulty for their kids to find a place to stay. Since it was not about him, he said that well, this person should tidy up. “Just like you,” I said.  

He replied that when his Dad came to SG from malaysia, their business just failed. They had very little belongings so now, having belongings is very important to him. That sat with me for a week. Just to relax about life, my father felt the need to surround himself by useless piles.

Am I surrounding myself with unneccessary activities just so that I can feel relaxed about myself? Am I driving myself into exhaustion imagining the achievements I have made with the cleaning and tidying? I don’t feel relaxed painting. It creates a certain positive sort of tension – the desire to unlock different skill level like a computer game. 

~

Today instead of staying at home, I went out to a cafe to write this post. Instant relaxation. I didn’t think about washing the bathroom which occurs whenever I go to the toilet. I didn’t need to think about clearing the sink before I get a drink of water. I am calm and there is aircon from toilet to cafe. I don’t get up for a break and think that I should start lunch or dinner in between my typing. This is luxurious. I don’t wonder if I need to clean the floor because I’m wearing shoes and I can’t feel it is unclean.  I’m not surounding myself with activities. I just fail to relax because there is a lot of attention grabbing things. In a cafe there is a same look and there is nothing except chairs and tables. At home, each person’s table will have a different pile  – not untidy but just their own personality. The space has different items in it, tables, sofa, dining chairs and so on. It lacks the anonymous quality of the space and sound that a cafe has. How does anyone find a productive sort of relaxation at home?