0630 to 0800 chores, shower
0815 to 1130 walking with husband at nearby park. Bus back home after that.
1130 to 1330 dinner prep, shower, school pick up.
1345 to 1430 lunch
1430 to 1630 shower, revision by husband. I took a nap.
1630 to 1930 dinner and chores.
1930 post dinner revision by husband. I did chores and showered.
2030 religious practice, hang with kids and sleep.
0600 to 0700 dinner prep, shower and change.
0700 to 0815 travel to Bugis, temple visit and pray.
0830 to 0845 vogue my breasts
0845 to 1045 breakfast with husband with colleagues on the line. Did about 45mins of work related calls and messages. Travel.
1045 to 1110 chores
1115 to 1315 Online purchases and planning. Starting a drawing.
1330 to 1540 picking up kids. Lunch. Waited for the eldest only to discover he has taken the bus home. We spent two hours at lunch and shower because of the wait.
1540 to 1700 Maths revision.
1700 to 1940 Dinner prep, shower, lie down ( back)
1945 to 2100 Maths revision
630 to 830 Woke up finally after a very interstellar dream. I saw my mom when I was out with my friends. She said she is in hell and feeling not great. I hugged her and noticed she was very hot. I said that I will help her and held her until her body cooled and she disappeared. I woke up to another level of dream and went to tell my husband and sister in law. I thought I did do it but realised I was sleeping and in a dream. I woke again to another level to make another attempt to tell my husband. After strenuous effort in relaying to them I realised I was still in a dream. In the final version of the dream I told my husband and my sister in law that I have been trying to tell them what happened but I keep failing because I remained in a dream. I asked them to wake me if I stopped talking and when they didn’t I found out it was yet another dream. I finally woke up at 630, made my husband hold my hand and I finally relayed the dreams I had. Cooked dessert, my lunch and a simple dish for dinner.
830 to 1130 Painted
1145 to 1430 Took a bus to get my teeth cleaned and got back treated again. Had lunch with the handsome physician and daughter.
1445 to 1800 English Revision
1800 to 1945 Dinner. Handsome physician did the cleaning up.
1945 to 2100 Homework supervision.
2100 Religious practice and doom scrolling.
0600 to 0830 School run and treatment for my sore back
0830 to 1230 Walk to the repair shop. On my way I saw ordinary folk on their way to work. I felt blue dread looking at them with their heavy bags and burdened shoulders. My watch has kaput says the repair person and quoted me an astronomical price for it to fly to Switzerland. I decided on a DNR for it. Went to get English assessments.
1230 to 1330 Chores and shower.
1345 to 1715 Painting and stretching.
1730 to 1900 Dinner related prep and eating. Homework supervision.
1900 to 2130 English revision
2100 to bedtime Doom scrolling
是一个组和的名字，
也是我儿子的成级。
Vee 一直鼓励我说成绩没那么重要，
这些安慰的话我心灵了。
一生的成就显然不仅仅是事业或社会给的奖励，
能够养活自己还是满重要的。
I have been having difficulties being a parent to one of my kids. He is 12 and so beyond me I am at a lost – we are at a lost. It is a totally alien space.
I am wondering if I parented him wrongly because of some childhood trauma.
I googled and empowering parents said that I should not feel guilty or accept responsibilities for the difficulties he is facing. After all we all learn to get around our difficulties. If he is working on it and trying I can appreciate and support – but if he is not?
My boss today said something like, if you have parents, remember to spend time with them. He had just returned today from a 2 week urgent leave to take care of things at home (overseas). He also said that when he and his siblings were younger, he had idealistic notions of parental care with parents traveling from one sibling to another through the year.
I started to feel guilty about not ringing my father. Yet on the other hand, I don’t like having any conversations with my father.
He has lost the ability to have a conversation. He is perhaps afraid and anxious all the time. His normal state is always imagining he has the world’s attention on him and someone is always out to get him. Most of all, he is always competing with me – about being right, about being more virtuous (scrimping and saving) and more filial. Every conversation is peppered with a scam that he figured – ie nobody can trick him; or, that I should be as virtuous as him.
I am unable to link what he says of himself to the father I know.
I mostly ignore the self praise and competitive virtue signaling. It bothers me when most conversation is something negative about me even when I am helping him.
I am adult enough to understand parents are also human and imperfect. Parents deal with their own private emotions and they don’t intentional hurt. I also see my responsibilities in this dance. I listen and buy into whatever that was said, intentional or not.
The more I listen, the more I dislike the speaker. The more I assist them with their day to day, the more I resent my assistance because I am hearing the habitual criticisms. Simply because I believe those words. The way I see it is this – I don’t defend myself, I feel angry and upset because I should stand up for myself.
But if he is actually scolding something that doesn’t exist – why should I need to defend and dance to his imagination?
If it is a poor fantasy that he has conjured up for himself – he is deserving at least of compassion and kindness since he is suffering all the time.
So logically, I should visit more – create more possibilities for good interactions. Yet with the problems I am handling now at home and work stress, it’s hard to have the energy to be positive and remain open.
I updated the front of my blog with the pictures I painted. It feels fancy – as if I am artistic. My daughter has been very kind, saying that I am so cool, that I can paint so prettily. It feels funny hearing her say that. I immediately deny it, insisting I don’t have any talent.
When I imagine being 48, I imagine myself single, mostly pay check to pay check in a spartan home. I imagine myself a lousy writer whose always blocked but writing bad novels about Singapore and stuck, not knowing where to sell my book. I imagine that my job requires me to look at data and never talk to anyone.
At 48, my life is not what I imagined myself to me. I am now squarely stuck in Operational Risk. I might have a called a couple of locations in the past to help them with their troubles. My calls are now daily, clarifying, educating, organising. I am writing a lot more PPT and being “gifted feedback” about my bad PPT. I can’t imagine myself now – having the kind of immense difficulties with my son. The kind of difficulties that makes me suspect some level of disorder. That the view from my home begs to be painted. (It’s a Housing Board flat.) That I have learnt to save money. That I have learnt how to do art. That I have a post grad in Finance – astounding, really. I also never thought that my actual friends will be in my office. Just yesterday, I sat with V. at work; the week before I was in the same call as Z.
It feels like a giant leap for me. No way I would have been able to imagine enough to write this in my 5 year / 10 year / 15 year plan. In case you imagine that I have landed in a place of incredible, eye searing success. Just a leap into a different universe. Strange and amazing.
I hope this will be for my kids. The kind amazing giant leaps that makes life interesting. Hard but not boring.
headbirth.com 