Author / Eileen 配仪

by Eileen 配仪

If I have too much money

I was in the lift alone at first. At level 10 a man and a woman entered saying loud goodbyes to the crowd outside. Their conversation suddenly dropped to a low voice. The man asked when is retirement for her. By then their voices turn to a whisper. I was in the lift hearing my ears straining at every word. She said, when I can buy an apartment for my son. There was a pause. He looked at her. She barked a short laugh and explained it is a Chinese culture.

The lift door opened at ground floor. They exited and went out of the turnstile, biding farewell in booming cheery voices.

If I am rich at incredibly stupid levels – in that I mean when I look at my bank account my intelligence drops by double digit points yet sales people still fawn on me and laugh at my jokes – I still won’t buy a property in Singapore as part of my portfolio.

I love real estate but the burden of having to clean and upkeep one, to have it trashed by tenants, to have rules changed suddenly and implemented overnight is a major deterrent.

by Eileen 配仪

Frustration – struggling with failure

I remember thinking about this in my 20s when I was trying to be a writer, then later trying to work on my Masters thesis in my late twenties. Do I really want to wake up every morning and acknowledge I am a failure?

How very interesting that in learning to paint I encounter this question again. 

Now that I am an older and have gained wiles and cunning, l would described as a daily struggle towards greatness, the discipline of a Master. (Gag! Barf! Retch! Yet, its true – why paint the difficulty of struggle worse?)

I cannot understand why   I have this strong sense of doom, inability & “I can’t do this” for art only..

I wonder if it stems from my inability to really get it. I cannot understand it because I lack a feeling for art. My feeling is either,  “Man, this is awesome!” or “Oh, ok.”

by Eileen 配仪

五五六六

是一个组和的名字，

也是我儿子的成级。

Vee 一直鼓励我说成绩没那么重要，

这些安慰的话我心灵了。

一生的成就显然不仅仅是事业或社会给的奖励，

能够养活自己还是满重要的。

by Eileen 配仪

Brainwave!

I was watching some tutorials learning how to paint rocks, hills, cliffs. I had a brain wave moment – I totally understand why the artists say that painting to understand the subject. I have always painted or drew a in accounting manner – I have to know where to place the mark. I simply have no feeling about art.

I figured out the feeling is merely and intuition about the subject.

It’s not about the mark placement yet about the mark placement.

Ommmm….

by Eileen 配仪

The fastest way to lose a multi million dollar inheritance

If you were going to open up a business, what would you sell?

A old school building where all the classrooms are transformed into hotel rooms selling wellness, painting, meditation or writing resorts. The buildings will have luxury vs minimal spaces. I will hire revolving artists in residence and health and wellness gurus in residence to teach meditation and exercise both secular and non secular. I will serve alcohol even at breakfast. Sunday buffet brunch, Friday BBQ dinner, Saturday high tea buffet will be a weekly thing. Yet, I have separate kitchens for those who do not eat meat from a particular animal, those who do not eat meat at all, those who do not eat meat and things from them. There will be fresh noodles and bread. I will not be environmentally friendly and will install aircon and fans. I will have a garden of orchids and a pond, a shady garden for rabbits and birds to roam and shit freely. I will hire gardeners and animal care takers.

I will have people teaching various forms of chess (International, Xiangqi, Weiqi) and tuition for kids (writing, speech and drama in 4 languages: English, Chinese, Malay, Tamil) while adults are enjoying their quiet retreat or alcohol. The kids will have tuition from morning to night. Religious and moral classes will also bring provided on weekend mornings to kids. When kids have free time they will be made to volunteer as care givers to the elderly while their actual caregivers enjoy their free time. The kids will bunk separate from their parents.

There will not be any available parking because drink, don’t drive.

I will accept cdc vouchers.

by Eileen 配仪

More on being an Adult

I have been having difficulties being a parent to one of my kids. He is 12 and so beyond me I am at a lost – we are at a lost. It is a totally alien space.

I am wondering if I parented him wrongly because of some childhood trauma.

I googled and empowering parents said that I should not feel guilty or accept responsibilities for the difficulties he is facing. After all we all learn to get around our difficulties. If he is working on it and trying I can appreciate and support – but if he is not?

by Eileen 配仪

Being An Adult

My boss today said something like, if you have parents, remember to spend time with them. He had just returned today from a 2 week urgent leave to take care of things at home (overseas). He also said that when he and his siblings were younger, he had idealistic notions of parental care with parents traveling from one sibling to another through the year.

I started to feel guilty about not ringing my father. Yet on the other hand, I don’t like having any conversations with my father.

He has lost the ability to have a conversation. He is perhaps afraid and anxious all the time. His normal state is always imagining he has the world’s attention on him and someone is always out to get him. Most of all, he is always competing with me – about being right, about being more virtuous (scrimping and saving) and more filial. Every conversation is peppered with a scam that he figured – ie nobody can trick him; or, that I should be as virtuous as him.

I am unable to link what he says of himself to the father I know.

I mostly ignore the self praise and competitive virtue signaling. It bothers me when most conversation is something negative about me even when I am helping him.

I am adult enough to understand parents are also human and imperfect. Parents deal with their own private emotions and they don’t intentional hurt. I also see my responsibilities in this dance. I listen and buy into whatever that was said, intentional or not.

The more I listen, the more I dislike the speaker. The more I assist them with their day to day, the more I resent my assistance because I am hearing the habitual criticisms. Simply because I believe those words. The way I see it is this – I don’t defend myself, I feel angry and upset because I should stand up for myself.

But if he is actually scolding something that doesn’t exist – why should I need to defend and dance to his imagination?

If it is a poor fantasy that he has conjured up for himself – he is deserving at least of compassion and kindness since he is suffering all the time.

So logically, I should visit more – create more possibilities for good interactions. Yet with the problems I am handling now at home and work stress, it’s hard to have the energy to be positive and remain open.