My boss today said something like, if you have parents, remember to spend time with them. He had just returned today from a 2 week urgent leave to take care of things at home (overseas). He also said that when he and his siblings were younger, he had idealistic notions of parental care with parents traveling from one sibling to another through the year.

I started to feel guilty about not ringing my father. Yet on the other hand, I don’t like having any conversations with my father.

He has lost the ability to have a conversation. He is perhaps afraid and anxious all the time. His normal state is always imagining he has the world’s attention on him and someone is always out to get him. Most of all, he is always competing with me – about being right, about being more virtuous (scrimping and saving) and more filial. Every conversation is peppered with a scam that he figured – ie nobody can trick him; or, that I should be as virtuous as him.

I am unable to link what he says of himself to the father I know.

I mostly ignore the self praise and competitive virtue signaling. It bothers me when most conversation is something negative about me even when I am helping him.

I am adult enough to understand parents are also human and imperfect. Parents deal with their own private emotions and they don’t intentional hurt. I also see my responsibilities in this dance. I listen and buy into whatever that was said, intentional or not.

The more I listen, the more I dislike the speaker. The more I assist them with their day to day, the more I resent my assistance because I am hearing the habitual criticisms. Simply because I believe those words. The way I see it is this – I don’t defend myself, I feel angry and upset because I should stand up for myself.

But if he is actually scolding something that doesn’t exist – why should I need to defend and dance to his imagination?

If it is a poor fantasy that he has conjured up for himself – he is deserving at least of compassion and kindness since he is suffering all the time.

So logically, I should visit more – create more possibilities for good interactions. Yet with the problems I am handling now at home and work stress, it’s hard to have the energy to be positive and remain open.