Author / Eileen 配仪

by Eileen 配仪

ADHD, Art, Me

I asked for a referral for my son to be assessed and was turned down. I took out ADHD 2.0 (Edward M Hallowel and John Ratey) not knowing what else to do. I put it on the headset and continued on my excel. 

I began to cry right in the middle of chapter 1. (OMG what if someone telephoned me? Luckily that I was WFH from a sprain!) I felt understood. Like someone knows what is like to be me. Someone explained why I feel that my life seems more difficult, why I feel different from everyone else and why every pursuit of mine turned out to be hideously difficult, why I failed to continue writing novels, why I want to study after I retire, why I want to do art. It even explained why I always try and fail to see what others see me as. It’s like going to a tarot card reader or a psychic to ask about your difficult son and suddenly the psychic tells you everything you have experienced in your life so far.   

Yet I can’t link ADHD to me. I did suspect I have ADHD when I was younger.  I can’t see myself as  a stereotypical ADHD person yet it all makes sense (all those years of paying penalties and late fees, multiple planners and terrifying my husband with the fire left on and mostly picking up difficult things out of boredom). I think it is mainly because I haven’t had serious complaints that it interferes with others expectations of me at work or at school. I don’t feel I annoy anyone with this problem at school or at work. It doesn’t affect me as a normal contributing member of society. It annoys my friends a lot and my husband really a lot. I feel my other nicer parts of my personality make up for this particularly annoying part so it evens out.

So what does it mean to me now that I know I might have ADHD. At this age, I don’t feel it means something. If I was told sometime during the first 35 years of my life it would mean a lot. Most of all it will explain why I feel different during those years where I feel it is important to be the same.

by Eileen 配仪

Day 16 to 19

Exams started.

Not caring by now the results. Just that it is over.

After school lots of revision and practicing.

Daughter had a performance. It was great having a break waiting for her to finish.

I finished the peony bud over 2 or 3 days. Reworking in the pond with the stones. Art is hard.

by Eileen 配仪

Days 8 to 15

A whirlwind of I don’t know what happened. I was not painting. I was mainly supporting revision. Homework has dropped off. I worked a full day and a half to finish some slides and sent some chaser emails. Out of habit I almost started to clear emails but caught myself and ignored the new work.

I do feel a sense of anxiety when there is work and a relief when it is over. The relief is easily mistaken for a sense of accomplishment and the anxiety is mainly a fear of being unaccomplished.

I wonder if retirement brings feelings of failure because there is a distinct decline of this emotional yo-yo.

by Eileen 配仪

Days 8 to 10

I have been doing office work when the kids are at school or in bed. Felt some level of stress and anxiety and a little relief when I finished the 1 out of 2 jobs.

Monday, day 8 I went out for a long walk with my husband, getting home only after 1130.  Wednesday, I did something similar by myself getting home after 1pm.  On Monday, in addition to working on a deck, I went out for to have cake and then home to work. Tues and Wed was homework supervision and office work. Including office work took away religious practice.

I don’t really like this revised schedule. I felt that I fed my anxiety around work instead of resolving it. I felt that I experienced a false relief – typing this I feel anxious about work again. This anxiety is BGM to most people who work – some dress it up as ambition and drive to express that anxiety in a positive light. When we are mindful and focused towards our goals, there is no anxiety, no fear and nervousness not even about output. We are like Ip Man stopping 20 villains in their tracks.

Thinking about this, risk management requires a lot of experts who know how to be Ip Man in their jobs. But dressing up people who don’t know but dare to take on new tasks as heros increase the instability in the organisation. Risk management is not the be all end all – it’s a trade off that business owners need to know what they are trading off.

  

by Eileen 配仪

Day 7 of 3 week leave

Revision has been well – good study attitude but late at the game. He is unable to do more than 4 hours of work a day with lots of breaks in between. 4 hours is maxing out his ability. It reminds me of me. I can’t do more than 4 hours of highly focused work. My painting sessions are max 2 to 3 hours at a stretch and a break before another drawing session. He also does work best in the am.

Sunday he has classes so it is awake, breakfast and out to class. I brought my daughter out went home around 1130 to make lunch. Napped until 230. Son started to work on maths. I prepped for dinner then started on office work.

After dinner we did English revision. I continue my work post English revision until 1am.

by Eileen 配仪

Fail To Make Lunch

Write about your most epic baking or cooking fail.

There was a Saturday long time ago when they were mere babies about 4 or 5. Something had happened that day that totally tipped me over. They said it was that they didn’t tidy their toys but I remembered it differently. They were fighting endlessly that day. I could not stop them from getting at each other. I was so furious and frustrated I locked myself up in my bedroom. About half an hour or so later they decided they were hungry. I ignored their knocking on the door. (I am now aghast when they remind me of this tale.) I heard them giggling outside soon after they started banging about in the kitchen. I stayed in the room until all the banging ended and I was greeted with two best friends 2 hours later.

This was what happened.

They rummaged around, found and opened a packet of instant noodles. Thing 2 said, we should boil it. Thing 1, more fearful, disagreed. They plop a dry noodle cake onto an oven tray.

Let’s have eggs, said Thing 1. Thing 2 giggled and they cracked an egg on it. Thing 2 decided vinegar would go very well with their lunch and poured a small amount over the egg. They were laughing uproariously by now.

The whole tray went into the oven for about 10 mins. They took it out careful to use oven gloves and ate it up.

Until today both kids think it was the best thing they ever eaten and the funnest meal ever.